Thirty Methods of Influence

 We all want to have a positive influence on certain people in our personal and professional lives. Our motive may be to win new business, keep customers, maintain friendships, change behaviors, or improve marriage and family relationships.

But how do we do it? How do we powerfully and ethically influence the lives of other people? I submit that there are three basic categories of influence: 1) to model by example (others see); 2) to build caring relationships (others feel); and 3) to mentor by instruction (others hear).

The following thirty methods of influence fall into these three categories

WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU ACT

1. Refrain from saying the unkind or negative thing.

2. Exercise patience with others.

3. Distinguish between the person and the behavior or performance.

4. Perform anonymous service – without expectation of publicity or reward.

5. Choose the proactive response. Take responsibility for actions; don’t blame.

6. Keep the promises you make to others.

7. Focus on the circle of influence – change circumstances by a change in attitude.

8. Live the law of love. Listen with your third ear – your heart.

 BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS – DO YOU UNDERSTAND AND CARE?

9. Assume the best of others.

10. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Listen! Walk-in their shoes.

11. Reward open, honest expressions or questions.

12. Give an understanding response. 

13. If offended, take the initiative to clear it up.

14. Admit your mistakes, apologize, ask for forgiveness.

15. Let arguments fly out open windows.

16. Go one on one – give attention and listen without censor, lecture, comparing.

17. Renew your commitment to things you have in common. What unites you?

18. Be influenced by them first.

19. Accept the person and the situation – don’t have to agree, but do acknowledge.

 INSTRUCTION: WHAT YOU TELL ME

20. Prepare your mind and heart before you prepare your speech.

21. Avoid fight or flight. Talk through differences.

22. Recognize teachable moments, and take time to teach.

23. Agree on the limits, rules, expectations, and consequences.

24. Don’t give up, and don’t give in.

25. Be there at the crossroads. Think before you react.

26. Speak the languages of logic and emotion.

27. Delegate effectively, understand expectations, provide feedback.

28. Involve people in meaningful projects.

29. Train them in the law of the harvest. What we reap is what we sow.

30. Let natural consequences teach responsible behavior.

Adapted from: Covey, S.R. (1993). 30 methods of influence. Public Management, 75(8)

OVERCOMING THREE BIG MISTAKES

In our attempts to influence others, we commonly make three mistakes, all related either to ignoring or short-cutting these three categories of influence.

Mistake #1: Advise before understand. Before we try to tell others what to do, we need to establish an understanding relationship. The key to your influence on me is your understanding of me. Unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel me. Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I’m not going to be influenced by your advice. Cure: Empathy—seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Mistake #2: Attempt to build/rebuild relationships without changing conduct or attitude. We try to build or rebuild a relationship without making any fundamental change in our conduct or attitude. If our example is pockmarked with inconsistency and insincerity, no amount of the “win friends” technique will work. As Emerson so aptly put it, “What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I can’t hear what you say.” Cure: Show consistency and sincerity.

Mistake #3: Assume that good examples and relationships are sufficient. We assume that a good example and a good relationship are sufficient, that we don’t need to teach people explicitly. Just as vision without love contains no motivation, so also love without vision contains no goals, no guidelines, no standards, no lifting power. Cure: Teach and talk about vision, mission, roles, goals, guidelines, and standards.

In the last analysis, we communicate far more eloquently and persuasively than what we say or even what we do.