"Habits" constitute what he refers to as the “Private Victory”. Before you can effectively manage and work with others, you must first learn to effectively manage yourself.
You look inside yourself first, develop yourself, and clear the limiting factors in your own life before you become effective in your public life with others.
Read the following:
A New Level of Thinking
Albert Einstein observed, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of
thinking we were at when we created them.
As we look around us and within us and recognize the problems created as we live and interact
within the personality ethic, we begin to realize that these are deep, fundamental problems that cannot
be solved on the superficial level on which they were created.
We need a new level, a deeper level of thinking -- a paradigm based on the principles that accurately
describe the territory of effective human beings and interacting -- to solve these deep concerns.
This new level of thinking is what Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is about. It's a
principle-centered, character-based, "Inside-Out" approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness.
"Inside-Out" means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside
part of self -- with your paradigms, your character, and your motives.
It says if you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy
and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you want to have a more pleasant,
cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent, loving parent. If you want to
have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be more responsible, a more helpful, a more
contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want the secondary
greatness of recognized talent, focus first on the primary greatness of character.
The Inside-Out approach says that Private Victories TM precede Public Victories TM, that making
and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile
to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving
ourselves.
Inside-Out is a process -- a continuing process of renewal based on the natural laws that govern
human growth and progress. It's an upward spiral of growth that leads to progressively higher forms
of responsible independence and effective interdependence.
I have had the opportunity to work with many people -- wonderful people, talented people, people
who deeply want to achieve happiness and success, people who are searching, people who are hurting.
I've worked with business executives, college students, church and civic groups, families, and marriage
partners. And in all of my experience, I have never seen lasting solutions to problems, lasting
happiness and success, that came from the outside in.
What I have seen result from the outside-in paradigm is unhappy people who feel victimized and
immobilized, who focus on the weaknesses of other people and the circumstances they feel are
responsible for their own stagnant situation. I've seen unhappy marriages where each spouse wants
the other to change, where each is confessing the other's "sins," where each is trying to shape up the
other. I've seen labor-management disputes where people spend tremendous amounts of time and
energy trying to create legislation that would force people to act as though the foundation of trust were
really there.
Each involved group is convinced the problem is "out there"
and if "they" (meaning others) would "shape up" or suddenly "ship out" of existence, the problem
would be solved. Inside-Out is a dramatic Paradigm Shift for most people, largely because of the powerful impact of
conditioning and the current social paradigm of the personality ethic.
But from my own experience -- both personal and in working with thousands of other people -- and
from careful examination of successful individuals and societies throughout history, I am persuaded
that many of the principles embodied in the Seven Habits are already deep within us, in our conscience
and our common sense. To recognize and develop them and to use them in meeting our deepest
concerns, we need to think differently, to shift our paradigms to a new, deeper, "Inside-Out" level.
As we sincerely seek to understand and integrate these principles into our lives, I am convinced we
will discover and rediscover the truth of T. S. Eliot's observation:
We must not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we
began and to know the place for the first time.
The Seven Habits -- An Overview
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
-- Aristotle
Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits. "Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action,
reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny," the maxim goes.
Habits are powerful factors in our lives. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns,
they constantly, daily, express our character and produce our effectiveness or ineffectiveness.
As Horace Mann, the great educator, once said, "Habits are like a cable. We weave a strand of it
every day and soon it cannot be broken." I personally do not agree with the last part of his expression.
I know they can be broken. Habits can be learned and unlearned. But I also know it isn't a quick fix.
It involves a process and a tremendous commitment.
Define
acquiesce
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vicissitudes
esoteric
automaton
congruent
The first three habits, 1. be proactive, 2. begin with and end in mind, and 3. put the first thing first, are grouped together in a category called private victory.
“Circles of Control, Influence and Concern” model reminds you that: If you cannot control it, do not get stressed about it. If you cannot influence it, do not get upset about it. Focus on what you can change, not on what you cannot.
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| Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their Circle of Influence to increase. Reactive people, on the other hand, focus their efforts on the Circle of Concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink. As long as we are working in our Circle of Concern, we empower the things within it to control us. We aren't taking the proactive initiative necessary to effect positive change. |
In making such a choice, we become reactive. Reactive people are often affected by their physical
environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn't, it affects their attitude and their
performance. Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines
makes no difference to them. They are value-driven; and if their value is to produce good quality
work, it isn't a function of whether the weather is conducive to it or not.
Reactive people are also affected by their social environment, by the "social weather." When people
treat them well, they feel well; when people don't, they become defensive or protective. Reactive
people build their emotional lives around the behavior of others, empowering the weaknesses of other
people to control them.
The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person. Reactive
people are driven by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions, by their environment. Proactive people
are driven by values -- carefully thought about, selected, and internalized values.
Proactive people are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological.
But their response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, is a value-based choice or response.
As Eleanor Roosevelt observed, "No one can hurt you without your consent." In the words of
Gandhi, "They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them." It is our willing
permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the
first place.
I admit this is very hard to accept emotionally, especially if we have had years and years of
explaining our misery in the name of circumstance or someone else's behavior. But until a person can
say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person
cannot say, "I choose otherwise."
Viktor Frankl suggests that there are three central values in life -- the experiential, or that which
happens to us; the creative, or that which we bring into existence; and the attitudinal, or our response in
difficult circumstances such as terminal illness.
My own experience with people confirms the point Frankl makes -- that the highest of the three
values is attitudinal, in the paradigm of reframing sense. In other words, what matters most is how we
respond to what we experience in life.
Difficult circumstances often create Paradigm Shifts, whole new frames of reference by which people
see the world and themselves and others in it, and what life is asking of them. Their larger perspective
reflects the attitudinal values that lift and inspire us all.
In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling.
Before we totally shift our life focus to our Circle of Influence, we need to consider two things in our
Circle of Concern that merits deeper thought -- consequences and mistakes.
While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions.
Consequences are governed by natural law. They are out in the Circle of Concern. We can decide to
step in front of a fast-moving train, but we cannot decide what will happen when the train hits us.
We can decide to be dishonest in our business dealings. While the social consequences of that
decision may vary depending on whether or not we are found out, the natural consequences to our
basic character are a fixed result.
Our behavior is governed by principles. Living in harmony with them brings positive
consequences; violating them brings negative consequences. We are free to choose our response in any situation, but in doing so, we choose the attendant consequence. "When we pick up one end of the
stick, we pick up the other."
Samuel Johnson observed: "The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so
little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition,
will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove."
Knowing that we are responsible -- "response-able" -- is fundamental to effectiveness and to every
other habit of effectiveness we will discuss.
Application Suggestions
1. For a full day, listen to your language and to the language of the people around you. How
often do you use and hear reactive phrases such as "If only," "I can't," or "I have to"
2. Identify an experience you might encounter in the near future where, based on past experience,
you would probably behave reactively. Review the situation in the context of your Circle of Influence.
How could you respond proactively? Take several moments and create the experience vividly in your
mind, picturing yourself responding in a proactive manner. Remind yourself of the gap between
stimulus and response. Make a commitment to yourself to exercise your freedom to choose.
3. Select a problem from your work or personal life that is frustrating to you. Determine whether
it is a direct, indirect, or no control problem. Identify the first step you can take in your Circle of
Influence to solve it and then take that step.
4. Try the 30-day test of proactivity. Be aware of the change in your Circle of Influence.
HANDWRITING
Write each sentence in cursive with a pen 5 times.
I can live out of my imagination instead of my memory.
I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past.
I can become my own first creator.
Journal Doodling:
How can you change your life moving forward after reading the following?
Pleasure Centeredness. Another common center, closely allied with possessions, is that of fun and
pleasure. We live in a world where instant gratification is available and encouraged. Television and
movies are major influences in increasing people's expectations. They graphically portray what other
people have and can do in living the life of ease and "fun."
But while the glitter of pleasure-centered lifestyles is graphically portrayed, the natural result of
such lifestyles -- the impact on the inner person, on productivity, on relationships -- is seldom
accurately seen.
Innocent pleasures in moderation can provide relaxation for the body and mind and can foster
family and other relationships. But pleasure, per se, offers no deep, lasting satisfaction or sense of
fulfillment. The pleasure-centered person, too soon bored with each succeeding level of "fun,"
constantly cries for more and more. So the next new pleasure has to be bigger and better, more
exciting, with a bigger "high." A person in this state becomes almost entirely narcissistic, interpreting all of life in terms of the pleasure it provides to the self here and now.
Too many vacations that last too long, too many movies, too much TV, too much video game
playing -- too much-undisciplined leisure time in which a person continually takes the course of least
resistance -- gradually wastes a life. It ensures that a person's capacities stay dormant, that talents
remain undeveloped, that the mind and spirit become lethargic and that the heart is unfulfilled.
Where is the security, the guidance, the wisdom, and the power? At the low end of the continuum, in
the pleasure of a fleeting moment.
Malcolm Muggeridge writes "A Twentieth-Century Testimony":
When I look back on my life nowadays, which I sometimes do, what strikes me most forcibly about
it is that what seemed at the time most significant and seductive, seems now most futile and absurd.
For instance, success in all of its various guises; being known and being praised; ostensible pleasures,
like acquiring money or seducing women, or traveling, going to and fro in the world and up and down
in it like Satan, explaining and experiencing whatever Vanity Fair has to offer.
In retrospect, all these exercises in self-gratification seem pure fantasy, what Pascal called, "licking
the earth."
Read the following then TEACH what you've learned to your parents.
Suppose I am a parent who really deeply loves my children. Suppose I identify that as one of my fundamental values in my personal mission statement. But suppose, on a daily basis, I have trouble overreacting. I can use my right-brain power of visualization to write an "affirmation" that will help me become more congruent with my deeper values in my daily life.
A good affirmation has five basic ingredients: it's personal, it's positive, it's present tense, it's visual,
and it's emotional. So I might write something like this: "It is deeply satisfying (emotional) that I
(personal) respond (present tense) with wisdom, love, firmness, and self-control (positive) when my
children misbehave."
Then I can visualize it. I can spend a few minutes each day and totally relax my mind and body. I can think about situations in which my children might misbehave. I can visualize them in rich detail.
I can feel the texture of the chair I might be sitting on, the floor under my feet, the sweater I'm wearing.
I can see the dress my daughter has on, the expression on her face. The more clearly and vividly I can
imagine the detail, the more deeply I will experience it, the less I will see it as a spectator.
Then I can see her do something very specific which normally makes my heart pound and my
temper start to flare. But instead of seeing my normal response, I can see myself handle the situation
with all the love, the power, the self-control I have captured in my affirmation. I can write the
program, write the script, in harmony with my values, with my personal mission statement.
And if I do this, day after day my behavior will change. Instead of living out of the scripts given to
me by my own parents or by society or by genetics or my environment, I will be living out of the script I have written from my own self-selected value system.
Practice visualizing
We're journaling today. Let's start brainstorming our mission statement.
An effective goal focuses primarily on results rather than activity. It identifies where you want to
be, and, in the process, helps you determine where you are. It gives you important information on
how to get there, and it tells you when you have arrived. It unifies your efforts and energy. It gives
meaning and purpose to all you do. And it can finally translate itself into daily activities so that you
are proactive, you are in charge of your life, you are making happen each day the things that will enable
you to fulfill your personal mission statement.
Roles and goals give structure and organized direction to your personal mission. If you don't yet
have a personal mission statement, it's a good place to begin. Just identifying the various areas of your
life and the two or three important results you feel you should accomplish in each area to move ahead
gives you an overall perspective of your life and a sense of direction.
Below identify roles and long-term goals as they relate to your personal mission
statement.
The core of any family is what is changeless, what is always going to be there -- shared vision and
values. By writing a family mission statement, you give expression to its true foundation.
This mission statement becomes its constitution, the standard, the criterion for evaluation and
decision making. It gives continuity and unity to the family as well as direction. When individual
values are harmonized with those of the family, members work together for common purposes that are
deeply felt.
Again, the process is as important as the product. The very process of writing and refining a
mission statement becomes a key way to improve the family. Working together to create a mission
statement builds the PC capacity to live it.
By getting input from every family member, drafting a statement, getting feedback, revising it, and
using wording from different family members, you get the family talking, communicating, on things
that really matter deeply. The best mission statements are the result of family members coming
together in a spirit of mutual respect, expressing their different views, and working together to create
something greater than any one individual could do alone. Periodic review to expand perspective,
shift emphasis or direction, amend or give new meaning to time-worn phrases can keep the family
united in common values and purposes.
The mission statement becomes the framework for thinking, for governing the family. When the
problems and crises come, the constitution is there to remind family members of the things that matter
most and to provide direction for problem solving and decision making based on correct principles.
In our home, we put our mission statement up on a wall in the family room so that we can look at it
and monitor ourselves daily. When we read the phrases about the sounds of love in our home, order,
responsible independence, cooperation, helpfulness, meeting needs, developing talents, showing
interest in each other's talents, and giving service to others it gives us some criteria to know how we're
doing in the things that matter most to us as a family.
When we plan our family goals and activities, we say, "In light of these principles, what are the goals
we're going to work on? What are our action plans to accomplish our goals and actualize these values?"
We review the statement frequently and rework goals and jobs twice a year, in September and June
-- the beginning of school and the end of school -- to reflect the situation as it is, to improve it, to
strengthen it. It renews us, it recommits us to what we believe in, what we stand for.
Write out your family's mission statement and post it on the fridge.
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