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Christmas Cracker Jokes
Here are some bad Christmas Jokes.
Jokes
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!
Santa Paws!
What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!
Santa Paws!
What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!
Sandy Clause!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Santa Clues!
What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!
Nothing! It just waved!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
A Christmas Quacker!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
Santa Jaws
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
Santa walking backwards!
What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!
Santa going through a revolving door!
What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho!
Idaho-ho-ho!
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!
Because it 'soots' him!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
Elf-is Presley!
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
Subordinate clauses!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf center!
To the elf center!
Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!
Christmas Balls!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
Frosted Flakes!
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!
An elfcicle!
Who is the king of Santa's rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)
What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!
Platforms!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!
Krisp Kringle!
Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!
Mary Christmas!
How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
They always drop their needles!
Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!
Rude-olph!
What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!
Because he was tied to the chicken!
What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears.
Anything you want, he can't hear you!
Anything you want, he can't hear you!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!
Because he wasn't chicken!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
Because it was the chicken's day off!
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!
It got gobbled!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
They ride an icicle
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers!
Iceburgers!
When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!
When its adrift!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
A mince spy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
Cross Mouse Cards!
What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
Fleece Navidad!
How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of christmas passed!
The ghost of christmas passed!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
Tinsilitis!
What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!
Excemas!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbet ribbet'?
A Mistle-toad!
A Mistle-toad!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!
Because it's cool!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
He got 25 days!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!
A pineapple!
What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!
You!
What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!
Your teeth!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
Jingle Smells!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!
At the north pole!
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Mistle-toad!
Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!
Manger-ster United!
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!
A wonky donkey!
Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pudding
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!
Who's there?
Pudding
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Who's there?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!
Christmas One-liners
Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
There were two biscuits, on a plate, all ready for Santa to eat. One biscuit decided to go and hide in the biscuit tin as it didn't want to get eaten. As it was going to the kitchen, Santa came in and stood on it and all the other biscuit could say was 'Crumbs'!.
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